Dating Doc

Feedback wanted

I once looked into a man’s eyes and saw hell. The same way you can look inside a cat’s optic nerve. Beyond that was nothing but an endless penrose dimension of more darkness. I felt nothing but pity, and out of that sprung overflowing love.

I embraced it in my arms, knowing full well something in myself would be lost in exchange.

Here is what I am looking for. Please provide feedback so I can adjust my metrics if any are unrealistic. I’m training an LLM to be my sex doll, so I need the info to be as accurate as possible. If you miss any of these boxes, don’t even think about sliding in. I’m trying to optimize, see. I don’t think I could live in a place like Smegmatown, I much prefer Diarrheaville. Feel free to develop a parasocial relationship tho, but this is a different sort of contract (contact me and we can talk about my Book).

I want Donnie Darko w/ the intellect and swagger of Bobby Fischer, hotness of Robert Pattinson/Nicholas Hoult, with the sensitivity of Dostoevsky, creativity softness (and face) of Syd Barrett, raw drive of Seto Kaiba. I guess this is too unrealistic, makes me animus-possessed.

I will know if you are lying about your life to seem like you’re more spiritually-developed than you really are, if you’re larping, cheating, talking to other girls. I demand you have radical honesty about yourself before you critique others critiquing people for not having radical honesty about themselves, because now I can’t trust your judgement. I do a comprehensive background check on everyone I am interested in, so I’d advise you not to lie. I will know. Bad OPSEC/too polished==red flag. This means your have low control over your own cogsec, and this would compromise mine in turn.

If we date, we need to be friends first, so I guess this is really a Replacement Best Friend doc because my last one turned out to be a POS who really just wanted to manic pixie dream zone me because he was unable to find a reason to live from an inner place. I am a great asset to have as a friend, you will find out in due time.

You may detect a bit of repetition compulsion. If you decide this is a great opportunity to find a project, play out your own cycle, to fulfill your fantasies, or put me into another spiral for your own twisted reasons, you’re looking in the wrong place.

My history

I am admittedly, a bit alexithymic. I understand social cues and feel what others do, but it’s hard to label them sometimes. It’s hard to relate to many people on the level I’d like to, and I can’t feel emotions in my body either. I think my emotions but don’t feel them if that makes sense, and what I don’t think erupts as chronic pain. But I am trying to reverse it, get faster at modeling other people and find out why you are upset, and you must understand this before there is any miscommunication.

I’ve never actually sought out people to date, never used dating apps or anything online, it just happens. I spend most of my time trying to get men to fuck off but none of them seem to listen; in fact, they take it as an invitation to try and acquire me, like they think they are some kind of Paris. They think it’s romantic HAHAHAHA. This sort of dude is mid at best, and I’m not interested in how many celebrities you know (I probably know more but won’t be telling you), your new penthouse in Cape Cod, shitty boat, your hackernews top 5 pre-covid, knowing the promoter of some shitty club, your famous college professor, hedi archive haul, being raised Catholic, it’s all pointless to me. I have a problem of excess and no enjoyment, I don’t need any more. I am unimpressed with everything worldly, it is a malignant tumor. The moment you try to impress me I am unimpressed, and I will know. If you are this sort of man, contact me about my Book instead.

Disorganized attachment style. Not looking to fix this, realized it’s a superpower. Looking to main control and selectively utilize it instead. If you are anxiously attached (I will know because you’ll constantly remind me that you are Avoidant, it is what the Cool Kids are), close this doc.

Have had more than the average amount of partners, but it is not egregious. 2 digits, first is a non-prime number, don’t attempt to merge sort. If you’re hung up on this, then we will not work. Get over yourself. We both were coming of age in hookup culture (if you are reading this and can’t relate, you’re too young, get out), we don’t stay stuck to the past. I get along with others who have also had around the same amount, as they tend to be less neurotic. And I really don’t care how many you’ve had, as long as you are serious when you say sex doesn’t matter that much and are ok with going long periods without it, followed by long periods where we have nothing but it. Or we just try to have a healthy relationship to sex to, what’s important is you don’t LIE about it.

BMI <18 (you need to be the same, or be extremely fit. I will take no centrist bullshit), I’ve dated mostly musicians, artists, researchers. But it’s more important we share similar values and ideals (flexible) and you are serious about them, profession and fitness tends to fall in line. I am self-employed and currently do freelance modeling and art on the side. You must be comfortable not knowing exactly what my net worth is, but if we are compatible, we will be around the same bracket and you’ll know eventually (maybe). I’ll select for yours. I have a background in research, computer science, cybersecurity (don’t forget and don’t fuck up!), media, and am a classically trained musician. I don’t do or date people who do sex work, I’m strongly against this. I don’t mind people who do and can be friends with them, but not Best Friends, so close the doc if you do.

If we date, we are not doing long-distance for the majority, but we are not living in a one-bedroom, either.

Psychological profile: I have diagnosed psychotic depression, MDD, GAD, ADHD, and am extremely neurotic but also extremely open to experience. Not looking for a personal psychiatrist or caretaker, I can handle my own pathology, and I’m asking you to do the same. I am looking to lower the neuroticism, and ideally, you would be someone with a similar profile but is in the process of getting your shit together seriously too, not just LARPING it. Am introverted. If you don’t have a creative outlet, we won’t get along. My youth has been very turbulent, and if we’ve connected somehow (I’m completely there, you know), you’re probably the same and we have uncannily specific shared life experiences and tastes.

Chances are, this isn’t the first time you’ve met someone just like me either, but you know it’s rare. I’m talking down to the last detail. You’re probably obsessive compulsive as well and I might have sent you this doc actually. Maybe I’ll be dead by the time you read it, who knows :0 I’m from the future, see~ a figment of your imagination save for this distilled cyber-substrate, a concrete mirage in humid weather, the afterimage of a shooting star’s light-trail when you rapidly shut your eyes. A collage the weak mind desires to forget by dispersing it among soundscape

In other worlds, you must be my mirror in a sense, have already completed 2 cycles.

I am looking for a partner who I can have a reciprocal relationship with; trust to have my back in tough times, who can support and provide for me, who helps further my spiritual and material development, who has a stable sense of identity (more on this later), and who is on their own distinct path. I have an abundance of resources I want to share, but in return, you must reciprocate and not seek to be a parasite. I want to feel comfortable and calm around you, like I’m not fighting to survive at every single second of my life.

Stay Away from me if you:

Are <30 y/o. No zoomers or zillennials. Preferably in 30s. White/Italian/Wasian only, no Irish. I’m 5’7”, you must be taller than me, preferably around 6’.

Want kids. Non-negotiable. There’s a specific type of man who thinks he can manipulate a woman into giving him kids. It never. works. I know all your tricks, so don’t bother. I will know. Don’t get me wrong, I love kids and am pro-natalist, but we will absolutely not be propagating my genes, there is a moral imperative not to breed more mental illness.

No job. Living with parents is ok, as long as you are employed in some way, and you are with them in a house or estate, not a shitty apartment with no privacy.

Are a compulsive liar. You think lying will erase your sins? Yea, your life sucks and you’re a piece of shit. Well, guess what? The world is a fuck and there’s nothing but wankers left. You care too much about how people perceive you and it paralyzes you, you go on tirades about why society sucks because it’s not communal enough, from a parasitic position of My Mommy Should Take Care of Me rather than genuine concern for the well-being of others. Not everything all leads up to Oedipus, yea that’s reductive, but you’re a really bad example! You life wasn’t ideal enough to match up to your idea of a Platonic coolness, so you make shit up so girls will want to fuck you and you can give yourself a reason to live. I’ve seen this all before and you will not fool me.

IQ<3 SD do not contact me, we will probably not get along. If your verbal is high, our sex will be glorious, but if this is what you mainly rely on and you think you’re going to jailbreak me and fuck with my kernel, then you’re in for a rude awakening. If you obsess over IQ, also don’t contact me, this means you can’t control your OCD and rarely get outside. You read the Bell Curve, looked into factor analysis and psychometrics, took the WAIS, read gwern, joined the societies, ok well, so is everyone else you’d connect with irl if you decided to go outside and meet people, join a community or get involved with something. Move on and get rid of your gifted kid syndrome if you’re high IQ, then reach out to me.

Cannot control / have little interest in working through your OCD. I am at a place in life right now where I am stick of it, it doesn’t benefit me at all, I am trying to get rid of it, and I’m not immature enough to deny I have it / shift the blame onto someone else like Women, Parents, Societal Values for making me this way. I’m not ignorant, I’ve accepted the fact I can only really be attracted to and deeply connect with a very specific psychological profile, which has this at its epicenter. Now what I’m asking of you is to try and overcome it and not rely on me to do it for you. We can support each other, but I will not enter another codependent relationship.

Plays any of the Persona series. Non-negotiable. People who enjoy this series are of low aristocratic spiritual development. Don’t care if you ‘used to like it but don’t anymore,’ the fact you used to is a testament to your inability to engage in the world beyond fantasy.

Runs a meme page w/ Wojacks as prominent theme (loser). If you run a meme page at all, stay far away. If you must, I hope it is either inactive/a resource for outsourcing knowledge. If you are running a 5G warfare page, you have enough on your plate and you don’t really need to be dating rn. If wojacks are a prominent theme on your meme page and you started it to bitch about your ex or post your sigils, you’re probably a loser.

L.A. based or too closely associated w/ L.A. influencer types. Not interested in your EA startup SF buddhist-adjacent creative director podcast shadow work meditation jhana retreat polycule. Your whole state should be nuked actually, pretty sure it would lower the collective suffering of the world and increase the morphological valence. Just kiddinggg :PPP

Aren’t over that one ex, or two. Forms entire worldview around that one ex, denies it. Leave your baggage behind. I’ve had life-altering, ego-destroying, all-consuming relationships myself. But I have moved on from them, and am in the process of closing two of them up right now so I can completely validate that former statement. If you cannot do the same, then I’d rather not waste our time. I still want to create unforgettable memories, have a ton of fun, be alive, and I’d appreciate it if you’d want to do the same with me, instead of being a raisin.

Are a JUNKY. No more of that shit. If you cannot control your impulses, only really desire to flatline, make excuses for your shitty behavior by shifting the blame on something outside of yourself (e.g. posting on r/Jung about how Jung is to blame for your compulsive cheating habit), then bye bye. I offer you no sympathy. If you are unable to have a healthy relationship to drugs without staying neurotically stone-cold sober, unable to handle yourself in altered states, we aren’t going to work, and this isn’t because I am making excuses for my own habit (I am mostly sober nowadays anyways and have a non-addictive relationship to substances), but because this is a fundamental character flaw on your part and demonstrates lack of meta-cognition.

Are a sex addict/previous sex addict. See above. Not interested in anyone with a history of sex addiction or current sex addiction, especially if they are unaware of it. For hygiene reasons.

Are a schizophrenic. I am not in the business of entertaining the mentally ill. I am not paid enough to listen to that drivel! So if you increase my net worth somehow, I may consider it. But not really.

The reason I don’t want a best friendship or union with a schizophrenic is because you have no manners. Not that you never learned, you just can’t control yourselves. I will not elaborate.

Contact me about my Book instead!

Entire social circle is Discord friends/you do not really value friendship/terminally online. Being a chronically online schizoid isn’t cool, never was, never will be. I will know, so don’t even think about pretending like you have a social life when you don’t. There’s a difference between introversion/health issues and being completely antisocial (all of these are confounding yes I know but regardless). People with no eros / no ability to appreciate eros all radiate a vileness that only comes from a rotting of the inside/being raised a zoomer (few exceptions). I just want the girlfriend, mommy, baby, but the friendship is unimportant, as long as I can have my farm in the mountains where I can be Zarathustra away from everyone. Will be having none of that.

Psychedelics are your personality! Or you have no interest at all. Talking all day about psychedelics doesn’t make you cool, man. It doesn’t give you a personality. Talk about something else. On the other side of the coin, having no experience or no interest at all in them. Why? Is it because you’re afraid of them, or they’re just too out West for you? Either way, I’ve done a fuck ton of them and we aren’t gonna get along because I need to be with someone who’s been on the bus and has gotten off at my stop. And you’re probably a lower-IQ neurotic, which is a terrible combo to have.

Dark Triad. I don’t mind dark triad, I’m pretty dark triad myself. Just don’t use that shit on me, and if you do, at least be sexy about it. I also despise histronics so go away if you’re going to be a diva. This is a female disease, males having it is icky.

Lustful. Do you surround yourself with a bubble of mainly female enablers to give you insight into interpersonal relations? Do they happen to be indie chicks, or just easily approachable in some way, willing to give you attention and the benefit of the doubt (when you really don’t deserve it)? An eggsac of mommies to affirm your bad behavior? Or were you raised with all-sisters and/or an overbearing mother? Maybe a mother who’s been in and out of the loony bins or who was the man in the house? Can’t stop looking at women and fantasizing about fucking everyone who wears a short skirt to the club, who sings at you through a screen? Gtfo. If your relationship to your mother is not a good one, don’t bother reaching out to me. My parentals weren’t the best either, but I’ve reconciled with them and spent a lot of time fixing those related issues. I want someone who has done the same and doesn’t think I’m going to be the one to do it for you.

Ugly or Attractive but Pretends like he doesn’t know it. If you’re the former, here’s a truth you need to learn now rather than later; looks matter and they are a reflection of your inner state, especially if you’re ugly. This includes direct inversion, but this is a different topic, and the product of something unnatural, a deliberate fragmentation of soul. I have a track record of dating a specific type of dude (look up Syd Barrett, Christian Death, Nicholas Hoult), and this isn’t something I’m willing to or can even change, it just happens. If you aren’t hot, don’t bother, save your energy (if you are in your 80s, your accumulated beauty/ugly becomes apparent. There’s no age-based exception). If you’re the latter, you’re not fooling anyone and you’re leaking. You should conserve energy instead of trying to manipulate some unknowable other.

Fascist. I had a fascist phase once, so do many ex-rationalists. Browsed the chans, pronouns crowd escaped the Tumblr ward, hwndu, looked up some COVID statistics, stumbled upon the Protocols, bitchute myself to sleep, got Peat-Pilled, biohack’d my bio. Just so damn glad I didn’t fall into the Earth is Flat conspiracy side of things! Then I became Reich-pilled. Aesthetics are important, but intellectual development shouldn’t be completely dependent on this and in-group signalling. Unfortunately, you see this across the IQ spectrum. It’s a disorder of obsession-compulsion. The problem is diṭṭhupādāna, attachment to ideas, doctrines, a placeholder for being unable to reconcile an unstable sense of self.

Religion, ooo fun! This doesn’t matter too much to me, but you can’t be an atheist. Hard pass. If you’re going to be hung up about your religion though, then yes it does. Ok then: what denomination are you? How did you arrive at where you are today? If your answer is because it’s what’s cool and what you’re supposed to do at X age, you’re lazy and have no spine. But if you have Catholic trauma/raised atheist but became a really annoying born-again Christian and haven’t found a system to reconcile this, then please stay away.

You either rely excessively on Don Juanism or don’t have a trace of it in you. I’ve done this song and dance before, painted the town red, ran away with a wild man with a plan, men with ven and plen, plenty of drugs sex rock and roll but no mind or soul to care about anyone other than themselves. You might want to stay in this chaos of being a kid forever, think channeling it will make me more attracted to you, but you’re wrong. But having a jester-like playfulness to you does tell me that you appreciate life, and as long as you keep it with you but don’t wield it for nefarious reasons, you’re secure and all gucci. If you’ve decided to embody the Jester archetype tho, sorry, but never again. Maybe you think spiritual development is broken up into 4 stages, and maybe when you graduate to Sophia, you can re-enter your mommy’s womb and birth yourself! That’s hilarious actually, treating the stages of Anima development like checkpoints in a video game. OCD supreme. That wanker Jung treated like Jesus, just take 1 cursory visit to r/Jung. It’s 1 character off I guess

Not trustworthy. I live a vagrant lifestyle. I travel and move around a lot. Then I spend excessive amounts of time in my room alone. There is no in-between. You don’t have to join me if you don’t want to (tho it would be fun to be Bonnie and Clyde), but if you have a problem with it because you don’t trust me, then I can’t trust you either because you are insecure. If I travel, it’s for a specific reason. I’m not interested in random hookups, that seems like a projection on your part.

Cheating. What a nice topic. We either have a polyamorous agreement beforehand, or we don’t do it at all. If you have a past history of cheating, we do the former, non-negotiable. I will not entertain your perceived romanticism of triangulation (you are not Literally Nietzsche!)

Cares too much about politics and/or culture war. Stay informed, not ignorant. But don’t lie to me about your politics, revolve your life around it neurotically, and remember diṭṭhupādāna. But I’m not dating a social striver or a liberal (tends to be the same thing).

Bad taste in media/too much media consumption. Send me a playlist or something. I will know. Wordcels are quite the charmers and I love them, but draining after too long. I’m not a wordcel, I have taste but it isn’t over-developed. I will not communicate via primarily references. I go for the jugular, raw noumenal or nothing.

On SSRIs/previous history of SSRIs <5 years back/transition period between drugs. Well, I already mistrust your judgement if you were helpless and retarded enough to actually take the SSRIs you were prescribed or dumb enough to think they’d actually help you. They hijack peoples’ personalities and I have seen this over and over again. This is a cycle I have no interest in participating in again in any way.

BPD. I am sick of BPD men. If you are past your mid-20s and still have this particular type of unstable sense of self, you are beyond help. You must embrace this and find yourself a calling that will encourage your good qualities while keeping everyone else safe from you.

Not a psychic/pneumatic. If psychic, you must not possess BPD. If you think all human life is created equal... well, that is true in a sense. Death is the great equalizer, and those who cannot die cannot live.

The perfect death is one in collective life and memory. As a troubled teen I fantasized about killing everyone who ever knew me then killing myself. But that wasn’t practical, in an age of surveillance, this cannot be done by simply material means. Christopher McCandless was almost lucky in that sense, but he didn’t manage to die in memory, became memorialized. Poor man. The perfect suicide then, is to become movement itself, to maximize.

No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man - Heraclitus

Conceal by becoming glass, die in this way by never ceasing. This is eternal life.

Self-Image

Sakkāya-diṭṭhi, one of the ten Buddhist fetters, one of five that prevent stream-entry, can be loosely defined as attachment to self. What does it really mean to be? To free oneself from attachment to perception of self? Let us try to envision some such fettered men.

His inner world is completely chaotic in its rigid hyper-coherence. One single sphere out of place, and the whole apparatus collapses. He believes He is all there is! In his system, it is very much so. A single encounter with a sphere that breaks his system is enough to deterritorialize.

This man’s alexithymic. Nothing but deterritorialized landscape. He inaccurately models his inner world, thinking it stable and calm as a sunset field on a warm summer’s evening. However, his justification, stemming from his obsessive need to model, 8 factors, 16, types, 5 aggregates, 3 standard deviations; he clings because the inside is hollow, disordered, fragmented; he cannot cope with it. Whether done intentionally by unskilled hands, or had it done to him, this is yet another fettered individual. There must be an objective anchor he can cling to. This is what we can consider BPD. NOT to be confused with Sakkāya-diṭṭhi.

One too many trips, combined with genetics, maybe a traumatic event. This man has split himself so he can distribute the pain across more dimensions for easier suffering. He fixates on odd and larger spheres with a certain pull. He splits, cuts, moves, but never reterritorializes. It seems at first this man has broken free from Sakkāya-diṭṭhi, but he misses this crucial last element. This is the schizophrenic.

The man is a Collage. He does not cling to name, age, nationality, accent, face, ideas, memory, or any other adherend. It can be cut up, reconstituted, discarded, recovered, horizontal, vertical, higher, lower, forwards, backwards, non-euclidean, non-nautical, stagnant, flowing, controlled, uninhibited, affirming in his self-negation. He is. This is the artist.

The nihilist sets impossible ideals for himself, then never strives for them so he doesn’t cry when he fails to miss the target. The compulsive liar wants to be innocent, so he distances himself so far from himself he doesn’t even know who he is anymore, so by plausible deniability, he is telling the truth.

Call him an artist.

You must Know The Shit but choose to Just Be Instead.

Now please, all of you motherfuckers leave me alone.